I'd like som...

I'd like someone to love me, please.Forever would be fine, but I'll take what I can get.Any volunteers?

A poem, writt...

A poem, written a long time ago by a friend, which seems somewhat appropriate now...It's true.Worlds can end.All it takes is once angry word,or a frustrated silence,or even just the decay of love.the love itself never ends,only its inherent joy,and its burning sense of peace.All you can do issit and watch itfly awaylike smoke from a dead,coldcandle wick.It's true.Worlds can end.Mine did.Copyright R.J.N., 1996.

It's...

It's amazing the things that really hit home to you when a tragedy strikes...I didn't know him. But god, he was only 20!! One daye after his 20th birthday. WHY???? For fuck's sake, why???

I found my friend....

I found my friend.Even if he is an asshole, I'm soo relieved.Thank you God, for letting him be alive, so I can hate him on my own time.

Fuck fu...

Fuck fuck fuckI can't believe what has happenedAnd I can't find one of my friends...who may have been flying Boston to LA today. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.To any of the rest of you who'v lost someone, or who are still waiting...my thoughts are with you.And those fuckers better pay.

I love ...

I love this song...I don't know why. Who can say where the road goes, Where the day flows? Only time... And who can say if your love grows, As your heart chose? Only time... Who can say why your heart sighs, As your love flies? Only time... And who can say why your heart cries, When your love dies? Only time... Who can say when the roads meet? That they might be - In your heart... And who can say when the day sleeps, If the night keeps all your heart? ...night keeps all your heart... Who can say if your love grows, As your heart chose? Only time... And who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows? Only time... Who knows? Only time... Who knows? Only time...

nevermind

ok so boys suck.They're SO not worth it...I wish I was a lesbian. Or a nun. Either one would be better for me right now, I think...I'm gonna forget Mr. Confusing. He's so clueless it's not even worth my time (and my time isn't worth much at this point...). His sister's nice...too bad she's not a guy ;)So I need a new obsession. Preferably male, preferably cute...and actually available and not an idiot would be good too.Any suggestions?

HELP!!!!!!!!...

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oh my God.I was just invited over to his house for family dinner.I'm in shock. First of all, he actually remembered my phone number. Wow, this is a first.Second...family _dinner_?!?!?!?!?! What the f...? I said yes. I was so damn stunned, I think I sounded a bit daft. But um. I'm taking dessert over with me. What should I take? What should I wear? And what the hell does all of this mean???Someone please, help me. My head's about to explode.

Alright, I'l...

Alright, I'll try this again. I made this post last night, but it didn't seem to work. *sigh*So I'm gonna do something I shouldn't. I'm gonna post something that will allow a few people to figure out more about who I am than I really want, but I desperately need some advice, so what the hell...here goes. If you happen to figure something out, please don't tattle? Thanks.So there's this boy (big surprise ;P). I've known him for a long long time. We've been friends since high school. He's nice, cute, funny, tall...all sorts of good things. We have a bit of a weird "history", in that at one point we were spending every waking minute together. I thought it meant something, I was assuming we were somewhat more than friends. He, apparently, had not thought about it. So we had this weird pseudo-break-up thing, and then didn't talk for a few months. Since then we've become friends again. So life was good.Until the last month. All of a sudden, every time I see him he's all over me. He sits with his arm around me, will trade seats with people to sit beside me, picked up my hand and placed it _in his crotch_ several times at a recent party. He's flirty, and keeps doing things like: pointing out that he has big hands, when it comes up in conversation that I have large breasts (in conjunction with the whole "more than a handful is a waste" saying). Or like last night, cheering when my friend who's engaged and I were talking about her ring, and I mentioned that I don't want a ring when (and if) I get engaged. Cheering! As though it came as a relief that he wouldn't have tro buy me a ring.However, the guy cannot seem to not lose my phone number. He's lost it four times this month alone, that I know of. If he was really so interested in me, why can't he keep my damn phone number? It's not that hard! And if he's not interested, why does he keep asking me for it? And why does he keep inviting me to do stuff, then forgetting to call? Why doesn't he return phone calls? I mean, doesn't the "big hands" comment imply he'd like to get his hands on my breasts? If yes, why hasn't he tried???I"m totally confused. What does this mean? Is he interested in me or not? And what should I do? Pursue him, ditch him, or what?? Someone please help...

silliness

I was a strange child.It's just sinking in for me now how strange I was. I kept a folder of a whole bunch of writing done by authors I loved, and a little bit done by myself.This poem was written by God-knows who, but for some reason in Junior high I really connected with the silly thing. Now I realize how totally crazy I was...here it is.Razors will pain you,Rivers are damp.Acids will stain you,And drugs cause cramps.Guns ain't lawful,Nooses will give;Gas smells awful,So you might as well live.Was I nuts or what! LOL

This i...

This is one of my favorite poems of all time - creepy and weird as it is ;)I love Margaret Atwood. She rocks. She needs therapy, but she still rocks.This is a photograph of meIt was taken some time ago.At first it seems to bea smearedprint: blurred lines and grey flecksblended with the paper;then, as you scanit, you see in the left-hand cornera thing that is like a branch: part of a tree(balsam or spruce) emergingand, to the right, halfway upwhat ought to be a gentleslope, a small frame house.In the background there is a lake,and beyond that, some low hills.(The photograph was takenthe day after I drowned.I am in the lake, in the centerof the picture, just under the surface.It is difficult to say whereprecisely, or to sayhow large or small I am:the effect of wateron light is a distortionBut if you look long enougheventuallyyou will be able to see me.)

This poem was s...

This poem was sent to me by someone I loved very much, a long time ago.As it happens, he eventually betrayed me. But it doesn't change the beauty of the poem...Light shines warm from your eyes,and beauty flows free from your pen.I see with much surprise,you've taught me to love again.For there are secrets that you've know,but never have been shown.There are things you realize with you heart,not your eyes...And with my heart I see you standing by my side.Copyright R.J.N., 1995.

I us...

I used to write a lot.I never thought I was any good at it - and I still don't. Especially when I had such talented friends to compare to. Sometimes, I just had important things to say, and so the words just came out right.I have some of my old writing I think I'd like to post.You are all NOT allowed to laugh, although constructive criticism is heartily appreciated.But I have a question.What do you all think about posting stories/poems written by other people who's permissions I cannot get before posting them? I would, of course, give the credit to them, although I'm thinking by using initials or something, seeing as I'm sure many of them wouldn't appreciate me putting their full names on public domain. Some of them are really really good, and I know some of you would appreciate them...In the meantime, here's a poem I wrote in high school. This one I actually really like, tho it's very depressing. It's an interesting story how I wrote it; I was in French class, and was allowed to go to the library to study because I was a bit ahead, and already knew what she was teaching. So there I was, sitting in the library, and I fell asleep. At least, I assume that's what happened. When I woke up ten minutes later, this poem was written in my handwriting, on my notes. I guess I wrote it - I asked around and I didn't get up during that time to pick up any books, and no one came near me. *shrug* It was weird. And it's a truly strange poem, at least for me. Hope you all like it...or at least pretend you like it, anyway :)The CrossIt is a harsh, barren field.No grass, no trees, just an occasional weedthat escaped the wind.One single, lone cross draws the eye -a grave site.When one looks closerone seesthat there is no inscription.No name, no date.Just one lonely man, woman, childburied in a frozen desert.One wonders sometimeshow anyone could be loved so littleto be left here, alone.But then you think, andwhat does it really matter anyway.At least here there is peace,with only the sound of the windin the shadows of the treesthat aren't there.Death is everywhere here.The cross, the spirits of the treesthat once were abundant.Even in the live weeds there is deathas the harsh desert slowly stranglesall the life in it.Everything dies here.And one leaves, one knowyou can't ever really leave - but you'll never come back.

I just go...

I just got to chat with Mooney. Cool! He seems nice and always gives very supportive feedback to my lame attempts at "writing". Thanks for the chat, Steve!Anybody else wanna chat with me? Please? Save me from studying!!:)

I am no...

I am not a light bulb.Love doesn't have a switch.Not for me, anyway...I cannot be extinguished with a mere flick of your wrist,I can't be turned offor onon a whim.So be prepared, baby'Cause I am not a light bulb.

You and me...

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...That's all I have to say :)I'm thinking of a new story...it's coming. Soon, I promise.

*s...

*singing*Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, That is what I'd really like to be,Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, Everyone would be in love with me...Don't even ask me where that came from...I just started singing it randomly, loudly, in my room-mate's general direction. Poor her - if you've ever heard me sing, you know exactly how sorry to feel for her ;)It's better than*singing*My bologna has a first name, it's O-s-c-a-r,My bolgna has a second name, it's M-e-y-e-rI love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I'll say...Cause Oscar Meyer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.*grin*

All right...

All right, new story.This one isn't nearly as mushy as my last ;) It's rather long tho, but I hope it's worth it.This is not based on reality, but rather, on the fantasies confessed to me by a particular boy, fantasies we never got to try out. "This fantasy is all about control, in some ways. It's not what you think though - well, actually, let me just explain the fantasy first, and then I can explain it better. "I don't have a good lead-in, I realize. I always get so caught up in the "fantasy" part of the fantasy that I don't think about the mundane things, like how we get there. So you're going to have to bear with me, okay? "The place it starts, in my mind, is with us sitting on a bed. It's not my bed - we're in a hotel, someplace nice. Maybe like that place you stayed in, the first time we met. We kiss, gently, and I put my hands on the sides of your face, holding you close to me. As the kiss intensifies, I feel your tongue graze my lips, and I groan. I pull away, smiling as you grumble in frustration. I put my finger to your lips - "shhh, relax, just trust me, ok?" - and you nod. We both know how much stronger you are, of the two of us - you could easily resist me, but you don't. You let me push you back on the bed, and shift around as I tease and tickle you until you're lying flat, right in the center of the massive king size bed. "I straddle your stomach, kissing you before you have time to try and glance up my short skirt. I run my hands down your chest, undoing the buttons on your dress shirt. Without breaking the kiss, I lean back, pulling you up with me, and fumble with your shirt until you get the idea and slip your arms out of the sleeves. As you fall back, I stroke your strong chest, pulling the dark hair there, lightly, making you squirm. Our mouths continue exploring each other, and I notice that we're both breathing somewhat harder than we were a few minutes ago. With one hand, I stroke your chest, stopping every once in a while to flick and pinch your sensitive nipples. I know how strongly you react to that, and used it to my advantage. You are so busy squirming underneath me, you don't even notice when I slip the soft silk scarf around one wrist, then switch hands and wrap the other one. You start noticing something is unusual as I pull your arms above your head, but by then it's too late - I run the scarves through the clamps I had attached to the bedposts earlier, and your hands are stuck. Well, mostly stuck - I grin at you as I show you how to release your hands if you want to. "I dare you to leave them there," I whisper in your ear, as I lean in close to bite your earlobe. You gasp in pleasure, as I'm rarely so rough, although you have always told me how much you want me to be more forward. "I kiss you again, harder this time, then climb off you, sitting up beside you on the bed. I lean over, bite your neck, run my lips down your chest, and circle your nipple with my tongue. You quiver, whispering my name under your breath. "Wha??" I interrupt you, before you can finish asking me that question, whispering soothing words to you. I look into your eyes, and ask "Trust me?" I see the fear flicker briefly in your eyes, before you smile and nod. You know I'd never harm you; you also know how to get untied in a hurry, if you need to. I don't know which thought comforts you more, and it makes me smirk slightly. "I reach down, popping the buttons on your jeans, running my hand 'accidentally' over your erection while I'm at it. You twitch, thrusting your hips up at me, trying to maintain contact. I back off, directing you to lift your butt at I tug at your pants, wiggling them over your hips, then finally off; I toss them on the floor, and repeat the process with your boxers. Plaid - I laugh. You have no 'regular' white underwear, at least that I've seen. Your cock bobs against your stomach, and I smile as I see how hard you are. I've known so many of your fantasies, your turn-ons, for a long time, but never chose to do anything about many of them, before now. My smile widens when I think about how many of them are going to be fulfilled tonight. One look at how hard you've become in the last few minutes is all the confirmation that I need that I was right, that you wanted this. "I lean over to the bedside table where I carefully stored all the supplies I knew I'd need for this, and pull out one more navy blue silk tie, just like the ones on your arms. You anticipate my move, and move your legs closer together; I shake my head, trying not to laugh at your assumption. I kiss you, once, then securely tie the scarf around your head, as a blindfold. You gasp, and I feel a shudder run through you - we had never talked about blindfolds, but after a few minutes kissing and soothing you, you assure me that you are alright, willing to endure the blindfold if I think it is necessary. I climb on top of you once again, running my hands along your arms, chest, and face, involving our mouths in another deep, needy kiss that leaves me reeling. I know that the rough wool of my skirt and the buttons of my blouse must be pressing into you, pointing out to you that while you are naked, tied up, blindfolded, and totally in my control, I am still fully clothed and completely in control. "I get up again, imagining to myself what you must be thinking as you hear me rifling through the drawer on the bedside table again, pulling out various items you cannot see. You feel my hands tug your legs apart, and me kneel between your knees on the bed. Cutting off the rampant imagination I know you have, I suck your cock completely into my mouth before you have time to wonder what I'm up to next. I can feel the blood vessels with my tongue, the whole thing throbbing slightly in my mouth. I caress your balls with one hand, pulling my mouth off your cock. I gently lick at the head, in a motion that I know gives you pleasure, but doesn't provide you with enough pressure to get any closer to orgasm. I have other plans tonight - I have no intention of letting you come so soon, and ruin it. I continue licking down the shaft of your cock, before licking your sac and sucking each testicle into my mouth, briefly. I keep moving down, shifting position between your legs, until I can tickle your perineum (the sensitive area behind your balls) with my tongue. You squirm, and in that moment I run my tongue over your anus. I hear you suck in a breath, not letting it out, and you try to hold perfectly still while my tongue roams over your ass. I know how much you love that, and you often tell me that you wish I was more willing to engage in that sort of play more often. I lick and probe at your ass until I hear you groaning in time to my actions; as I pull away, I hear a grunt of frustration. I replace my mouth with a well-lubricated finger, running between your cheeks, then putting gentle pressure at your opening. You relax - I can hear you panting as you obviously try to forcibly loosen up the muscles. My finger slides in, slowly, and I watch your face for signs of pain as it goes. You groan as my hand comes to rest against your butt, my finger gently probing against your prostate. I know that facial expression, and it doesn't indicate pain. "After a few minutes of gently thrusting into you with my finger, I pull out. You whimper "please?", until you feel something else pressing up against your anus. I wonder if you can tell by feel that it is plastic, because you pull away from me, twitching and pulling against the silk scarves at your wrists. I stop, moving up to lay along side you, stroking your chest, kissing your face to reassure you. "What is that?" I hear you ask, and I continue planting kisses on your face as I explain it to you. "It's very small - it won't hurt," I promise you, and you reluctantly agree to let me try. I kiss your lips, softly, passionately, as my hands roam down to fondle your cock, which has gone somewhat limp in fear. I reposition myself between your legs, and decide to suck your cock back to hardness while inserting the small butt plug. You whimper, afraid, until I tell you that it is over, and you realize that you barely felt it. Your tensed legs relax, and you start thrusting your hips up, trying to fuck my mouth as I'm still sucking your cock, almost forgetting about the plug I put in place. Almost - but not quite, because at that moment I touch a button on a small hand-held device, and the plug starts vibrating softly inside you. You let out a surprised squeak, which degenerates into a moan, as I start sucking your cock faster, harder, and you feel the vibrating against your prostate. I hear an audible sigh when I turn off the vibrator - whether of relief, or disappointment, I'm not sure. But you got the point, I know. "I again slide up beside you, laying my clothed body across your naked one, and your kiss suddenly feels desperate, anxious; you blink as I untie your blindfold and smile down at you. I kiss you again, then wink as I scramble up off the bed, leaving you still securely tied. I blush slightly, then proceed to do a slow, naughty strip tease. As much as I hate it, I know you like my body, and tonight is about giving you what you want. I stop before I remove my skirt - I slide up the hem of the short wool piece of material, and reveal to you that I am not only wearing the stockings that you adore, but am also not wearing any panties. "I lift your head gently and place a pillow under it. Still clad in my short skirt, I climb back on the bed and straddle your stomach. I lift the skirt so that you not only have a full unobstructed view, but you can also feel my bare ass against your stomach, feel the heat (and possibly even the wetness) seeping out from between my legs. "You always wanted me to give you a show," I whisper, and proceed to run my hands down my neck, across my breasts, pinching and squeezing my nipples until they stand out. I lean over to offer you one, and you suck it eagerly into your mouth, nipping it gently with your teeth the way I like it. I gasp and sit back, bringing my other nipple to my own mouth with my hands. Your squirming confirms how much you enjoy being a voyeur, and I feel your still-erect cock poking me in the backside. I move my hands lower, and slowly start running my fingers along my labia, dipping one finger inside and bringing it to my lips to taste myself. You lick your lips and groan, so I do the same for you, dipping my finger into my slit, then running it over your lips, letting you lick and suck it clean. The whole time my fingers roam over my sex, spreading my lips and giving you a view of my red swollen pussy. I'm soaking wet, and I'm sure by now you must be able to smell my arousal. I rub harder, thrusting one and then two fingers up inside me, while furiously rubbing my clit with the other hand, rushing faster and faster towards my orgasm. I've been so wet all night, it doesn't take long, and I throw back my head and come, moaning and panting, straddled across your chest while you watch me masturbate. My fluids run out of me, down my legs and onto your stomach, and I collapse forward and try not to suffocate you while I catch my breath. "I hear you mumble, between my breasts as I pant above you, "Can I?taste you? Please?", and I feel you kiss my chest, anywhere you can reach, imploring me to let you. Although unplanned, I feel my desire start to rise at the suggestion, and quickly slide off you. I rip my stockings, in my eagerness to have them off, and slide the skirt off my legs just as quickly. I clamber around so that I am kneeling, my knees on either side of your head, facing down towards the rest of your body. You raise your head and attempt to lick me, impatient, and I manage to get comfortable enough to ease down so your face is pressed close to my pussy. I feel your first, tentative licks, and shudder - I am almost too sensitive, now, and it is almost a burning sensation. However it feels so good at the same time I close my eyes and just press myself even further against your face. I am leaning forward, and realize that I am mere inches from your cock. While you enthusiastically attack my clit, I lean even further down to take you into my mouth, sucking hard, and licking your cock. Your hips start thrusting up, again trying to fuck my mouth, almost gagging me. I am so overwhelmed by your attention on my clit, I lose concentration and give up sucking your cock, instead hitting the switch and starting the plug in your ass vibrating again. I am close to orgasm again, already, and realize from your groan that you cannot take much more. "I barely manage to climb off you, and you gasp for breath while I quickly reverse my position, straddle your hips, and aim your cock into my depths. As I slam my hips down to meet yours, we both groan in satisfaction. While you definitely have a nice sized penis, I have always been extremely tight, to the point of pain for both of us sometimes; tonight, I am so wet it isn't a problem. I can feel the vibration of your butt plug through your cock, embedded firmly inside me, and that fires me up even more. With no more pretense, no more games, I ride you hard and fast, and your hips grind into mine with every thrust. I cry out "Come?come for me," and after just a few strokes, lose control and slam into a mind-warping orgasm. My pussy contracts even tighter around your cock, spasming as I ride out my orgasm, and that's the final straw for you. With one final thrust, I hear you strangle a scream as you come inside me, your legs and hips jerking involuntarily as you shoot pulse after pulse of come into me. "As my orgasm subsides, I hear you gasp, as well as a quiet hum, and have just enough mind left to switch off the vibrator and throw the remote on the floor. I collapse against your chest, burying my head in your neck, my hands reaching up to untie your arms. I'm sure you're stiff, but as soon as your arms are free you wrap them around me, as tightly as you can, and roll us both over on our sides. We both shudder as your soft cock slips out of me, and we each get an even tighter hold of each other. By unspoken agreement, we fall asleep, cuddled tightly to each other, refusing to let each other go. "So you see, in a way this fantasy is about control. About me, having control over you, your body, and for once, our sex lives. However, as I hope you'll agree, in a way, it's not actually about control at all. For we both know that bondage (of any sort) is actually your turn-on, not mine; that you are fascinated by anal play, while I am not particularly interested; and that while we both immensely enjoy it when you perform oral sex on me, the act of me "sitting on your face" (in your words) and forcing you to perform is actually almost a fetish of yours, an idea that gets you hard faster than anything else I bring up. "So why, you might ask, is this my fantasy? The answer to that lies in how much I love you, how much we trust each other's judgement. These things have become my fantasy, because I know they are your fantasy, and I am willing to try anything that makes you happy. I want to fulfill these fantasies, not just for you, but for us, because I think they'll strengthen our bond, bring us closer together, and teach us to trust each other even a little more. I trust that you will not be upset by my reluctance to try things I am afraid of, and will not laugh at my failed attempts; you trust that I will not tie you in a knot you can't get free from, and perform horrible acts that abuse you, hurt you, or take advantage of you in any way. We know each other a little better than that, and after a night like the one I just described, we'd know each other even better. "In my imagination, therefore, I think that before we fell asleep, something would happen. We'd be lying in each others arms, sweaty and sore, exhausted, and the last thing I might hear before I fall asleep is you, saying "thank you." And you might really, really, mean it. "What's that sweetheart? Why are we here? Well, you know I bought a new dress last week, and I need a shawl or something to go with it. What? No, no, I was actually thinking something more like this. A long blue silk scarf. Isn't this pretty? And I think, I might just need?three of them." *wink*******************************************************************************************************What do you think?? Let me know...

All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten

Wow, it's amazing.Amazing what spending all day playing in a sand box with a three-year-old can do for your outlook on life.I'm still screwed up - that hasn't changed. And in a way, it's kind of bad because it makes me want to have kids even more, which feeds my "I need a relationship" mentality.But mostly, it just re-affirms the things I love about life. And brings out age-old wisdoms such as:"It's ok, mom, it's just dirt. It'll all wash off, I promise"or "I found my blue dinosaur! Now everything will always be okay"or "Fairy, that's not a sand-pile, there's a _truck_ under there! You can't fool me"or "Careful, gramma, there's so many candles on your birthday cake! There's a fire ban here, you know."Some profound, some not so much. But regardless, it's like water to someone dying in the desert. I think I might have found the strength to face what's going on with me, and fix it. For him, if nothing else.

I'm feeli...

I'm feeling all...confused, kind of boggled, by the emotions I feel today having seen a bunch of different people I did not expect to run into. My emotions are literally running amok (amok amok amok...I love that word). Let me describe to you some of the people I ran into today...First, my former classmate. He's now in the class behind me - he had to take some time off last year. He's the biggest sweetheart I've ever met, and he gives the best hugs. He tells me I'm wonderful all the time, and I have a HUGE crush on him. Sadly, he's _married_. To someone else (obviously, seeing as I'm bitterly single). He has the cutest daughter...I WANT him. Every time I see him, my heart makes these loud annoying flutter noises that I _swear_ can be heard all the way down the hallway. He's enough to confuse me all by himself...he gave me three hugs today. THREE. It feels so good, and sucks so bad, all at the same time.Second, a friend of mine for the last 10+ years. I think it's been...well, maybe twelve years now? And I've been more or less in "love" (no capital L, although I wish there was) with him for the entire time. he knows me better than anyone else in the entire world. He knows what makes me tick, even if he thinks I'm crazy. Without talking to me, he somehow always knows when I need him. He's psychic or something, I swear. And I have proof that there's something weird mentally going on with him - I've seen him get 25/25 (five sets of five) correct guessing what card has what symbol (those cards they use to determine telepathy etc). He can do it pretty reliably, too, although he won't for fear of people thinking him a freak. So after ten or more years of having an almost constant crush on the guy, he tells me he's gay. Which, in itself, kinda sucked - but the way I found out was a bigger shock. He introduced me to his boyfriend. I happen to like said boyfriend, but damn, was I upset at first. We've become even better friends, lately, which I am very glad for, and I love him more than ever. But sometimes...I just get so sad, thinking about what I had hoped we could be one day. At least I know it's not personal...but damn, why are all the cute guys either taken or gay???Third, I saw the brother of my former boyfriend. The one who ripped my heart out with a spoon cheating on me at a party he took me to. I had to find another ride home, in a group of complete strangers, at three in the morning, on New Year's Eve, because he was upstairs fucking the hostess. I dumped him (he had the nerve to be "surprised"), but never quite got over him...he started dating one of my friends shortly thereafter, and they are now married and have a baby. He's not allowed to talk to me, although she sends me updates on how wonderful their life is together every couple of months. His mother still calls every now and then, to tell me she misses me (how weird is that???). Anyways, I ran into his brother at a restaurant today. The brother is a nice enough guy, who I don't know very well anymore, who used to be the brat that would break into the room when I was "making out" with his brother. Seeing the brother shouldn't have done anything to me, but it brought all of those old memories up to the surface - the pain, the shame, the guilt...feeling inadequate, feeling stupid, wishing I could have him back...it was the same when I found out about the baby. I just can't get over how seeing other people, not even seeing him, can bring me so close to the edge of oblivion again...after six years, even!! Damn, I need to get a grip.Alright, those are the three people who created the most confusion in my life today. I think my brain is on overload - I'm gonna go rest it. If you had to pick the three most confusing people in your day, who would they be?? How about the three most confusing people in your life? I wanna know the whole complicated, convoluted story.Tomorrow I get to play with my godson all day...I love being with him. He makes everything so clear for me, really points out what is important. It's amazing that a three-year-old can do that for me, but there you go. If for no other reason, I have to get my shit together so I can be a better, more capable godparent. I'm the "Fairy", and I never want him to see me any other way, so I'd better get it together FAST. All right, here I go...goodnight, LJ land...

Revelations

So I've been having this discussion with LamaAnnaLove over on her journal, and thought I'd carry it over to here.Basically, her goal is to achieve "love without attachment". And I really think it's a noble goal. In a way, I really want that - to just be able to love, and not worry about when you'll have to let go. Not have it hurt when you say goodbye. But, as I said over there...I just...can't. It worries me. I can't be alone. I hate it. It's like...punishment, or something, to me. What I want - more than anything - is someone who loves me. Eternally, forever, more than he loves anyone else. And because my "love life" has been so pathetic lately, I keep trying to seek that in inappropriate places - from people who have other people they love more. People they _should_ love more. Like their wives. This concerns me. It's a real problem when you keep hoping for something you neither should nor can ever have from someone (a few someones even) because they have other commitments. And the once or twice I've found someone I want that from who _is_ available, we were too far apart to make it work. I guess that's the other thing that worries me - if I had the perfect boy, the perfect relationship, and I couldn't hold it together because of something so silly as distance, how am I ever going to be able to hold together any relationship?*sigh* It's all so confusing. I think - I think I need to have my head shrunk. or something. See if anyone else can make something out of the tangled thoughts in my brain...

Ok...

Okay so I posted this in Sexstories as well, but here goes. It's my first story, so be kind!I open my eyes. It is dark, although there is a single streak of light coming in through a gap in the blinds. I briefly wonder where I am, but as I roll over and see you, I remember.You stir slightly, as though wondering why I am awake; over your shoulder I can read the clock. 4:32am. After 4:30 already?I press my face into your chest lightly, inhaling your scent, feeling the movements of your breathing. When I hold my breath, I can hear your heart beat. As I roll away, you stir, wrapping your arms around me in your sleep. I let you pull me close, enjoying the warmth, and the security I feel with you curled up around me.I am completely at peace.I know tomorrow you will be gone...I will wake up without you. As I wake up every morning without you. More elusive than a dream, but unforgettable like a nightmare.I will wake up alone - but tonight you are mine. I trace the outline of your fingers on my stomach, memorize the rough texture of your skin against mine. My gentle stroking brings you awake, and I feel your lips on my neck, briefly, before you doze again. Even in your sleep, I can tell you are aroused; I gently pull away and ease you onto your back. As I slowly run my hands along your body, I can feel you stiffen; when you are completely hard I straddle you, easing my weight onto you slowly, careful not to wake you. I lean down and kiss your neck, sucking on it to stifle my gasp as I sink down onto you, feeling you stretch me inside.As I start grinding my hips on top of yours, you react instinctively in your sleep, thrusting up towards me. Your breathing becomes ragged, as we both move faster and faster. I bend my head down to stimulate your nipple, teasing it with my tongue, nipping it lightly with my teeth, all the while rocking my hips faster and harder on top of you. I can tell you are ready, so I look up to watch your face as you explode inside me. I try hard to commit your features to memory, as I have done so many times before. When you go over the edge, it is more than I can take, and I quickly follow you, biting my lip and clenching my teeth to avoid yelling out. I collapse on your chest as the convulsions subside, and we slowly roll onto our sides, your arms around me again. I fall asleep cradled in your arms, with you still inside me, although soft now.I wake again as my alarm goes off at 7:00. Just like every other morning, I am home, in bed, alone. There is no sign of you: no indent on my pillow, no stray hairs. I am not surprised, for this is always the way it is. I know it was not a dream, however; I am slightly sore, my muscles groaning as I roll over to get up, and I still have some of our fluids on the inside of my thigh. I shower quickly, get dressed, and grab a muffin on the way out the door.Another day of looking for you, trying to locate where it is you take me, who you are, and how I can stay with you, even just once, the next morning. Although I have never heard your voice, and cannot remember your face despite how hard I have tried, I know that I will recognize you when I see you. You may have erased my memory of your face, but I will never forget your scent, your touch, and most of all, how I feel in your arms. You are the ghost that haunts me, and I know you are out there?somewhere? waiting for me to find you.________________________________________________________So whatcha think?? Tell me! Please?

Mental Image

I have this mental image in my head right now.I don't know where it came from. It's not a memory, although similar things exist in my memory.It's somehow completely calming and totally sensual all at the same time.The image is of you, holding me, reaching out and pulling me into your arms. Enveloping me, so my face is pressed to your chest, I can hear your heart beat, and smell that uniqueness that is you. Your arms cradle me, one hand tightly entwined in my hair, your thumb gently stroking my neck. You kiss my head, my forehead, my face; never letting go, whispering to me that I'm yours, that you love me, that everything will be okay because we'll be together forever.Dammit, I want that. I'd give up anything for that, almost. The question is, why don't you??

aquea

Alright, this is my first entry. In a journal I created to express things. And what thoughts am I having right now, what do I want to express...?Nothing. My mind is blank.(I think I'm having performance anxiety. I'll get over it, gimme time)