Sunday, June 17, 2007
I'm feeli...
I'm feeling all...confused, kind of boggled, by the emotions I feel today having seen a bunch of different people I did not expect to run into. My emotions are literally running amok (amok amok amok...I love that word). Let me describe to you some of the people I ran into today...First, my former classmate. He's now in the class behind me - he had to take some time off last year. He's the biggest sweetheart I've ever met, and he gives the best hugs. He tells me I'm wonderful all the time, and I have a HUGE crush on him. Sadly, he's _married_. To someone else (obviously, seeing as I'm bitterly single). He has the cutest daughter...I WANT him. Every time I see him, my heart makes these loud annoying flutter noises that I _swear_ can be heard all the way down the hallway. He's enough to confuse me all by himself...he gave me three hugs today. THREE. It feels so good, and sucks so bad, all at the same time.Second, a friend of mine for the last 10+ years. I think it's been...well, maybe twelve years now? And I've been more or less in "love" (no capital L, although I wish there was) with him for the entire time. he knows me better than anyone else in the entire world. He knows what makes me tick, even if he thinks I'm crazy. Without talking to me, he somehow always knows when I need him. He's psychic or something, I swear. And I have proof that there's something weird mentally going on with him - I've seen him get 25/25 (five sets of five) correct guessing what card has what symbol (those cards they use to determine telepathy etc). He can do it pretty reliably, too, although he won't for fear of people thinking him a freak. So after ten or more years of having an almost constant crush on the guy, he tells me he's gay. Which, in itself, kinda sucked - but the way I found out was a bigger shock. He introduced me to his boyfriend. I happen to like said boyfriend, but damn, was I upset at first. We've become even better friends, lately, which I am very glad for, and I love him more than ever. But sometimes...I just get so sad, thinking about what I had hoped we could be one day. At least I know it's not personal...but damn, why are all the cute guys either taken or gay???Third, I saw the brother of my former boyfriend. The one who ripped my heart out with a spoon cheating on me at a party he took me to. I had to find another ride home, in a group of complete strangers, at three in the morning, on New Year's Eve, because he was upstairs fucking the hostess. I dumped him (he had the nerve to be "surprised"), but never quite got over him...he started dating one of my friends shortly thereafter, and they are now married and have a baby. He's not allowed to talk to me, although she sends me updates on how wonderful their life is together every couple of months. His mother still calls every now and then, to tell me she misses me (how weird is that???). Anyways, I ran into his brother at a restaurant today. The brother is a nice enough guy, who I don't know very well anymore, who used to be the brat that would break into the room when I was "making out" with his brother. Seeing the brother shouldn't have done anything to me, but it brought all of those old memories up to the surface - the pain, the shame, the guilt...feeling inadequate, feeling stupid, wishing I could have him back...it was the same when I found out about the baby. I just can't get over how seeing other people, not even seeing him, can bring me so close to the edge of oblivion again...after six years, even!! Damn, I need to get a grip.Alright, those are the three people who created the most confusion in my life today. I think my brain is on overload - I'm gonna go rest it. If you had to pick the three most confusing people in your day, who would they be?? How about the three most confusing people in your life? I wanna know the whole complicated, convoluted story.Tomorrow I get to play with my godson all day...I love being with him. He makes everything so clear for me, really points out what is important. It's amazing that a three-year-old can do that for me, but there you go. If for no other reason, I have to get my shit together so I can be a better, more capable godparent. I'm the "Fairy", and I never want him to see me any other way, so I'd better get it together FAST. All right, here I go...goodnight, LJ land...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
I like to help people way too much for my own good. I hope this helps. I duno how close this will hit the nerve. darion 3-27-01ContemplationClear my mindLet it rollFlow like waterRoll like stoneBring me lifeBring me freedomIn this worldFull of everything I needOpening up to someoneLetting go my fearsAllowing my book to be readNot caring what they sayDoing what I deem is rightRegardless who may knowseeing all I wantfrom this world I call so coldrain down on meforces I cannot seedelve deeper into mindmy napping little soulawaken my inner strengthsfor one more moment in lightdeem me worthyto receive such forms of mightI?ve been asking myself for somethingEmptiness fills my heartAlbeit small at firstIt grows slowly like a cancerInfecting the goodBlind like a bullet?s eyesCrashing through anything That it finds within its pathThinking of many thingsThings I never really used to worryThe soft, dark complexionOf a girl I know not ofI feel tired all the suddenPondering my life?s discourseTake my leave in sleepWhere life is far awayEscape to the realityI choose to make for meWhere the sun is my brainThe planets my bodyIn no way am I godIn no right mind am I the oneI deny myself thisI cannot be a Judas sonToo much to worry aboutAll too much to bearLike a thousand people standingOn one thin thread of hairNo faith can be that strongNo heart can be so boldIt is not wrong to second-guess yourselfAgainst a future that can be so coldI want to show my all to youI want to let go my mindOpen the dusty book with my nameEmbossed on the cover, bound with steelA book so durableIt survives within my soulNever can be erasedIts characters are burned in timeSlowly the burns might healSome remain foreverOthers take years to be forgottenThen again, they may never be forgottenNot everyone can deal with everythingNot everyone has the mightNot everyone can possibly handleA thousand cold and dreary nightsBe there for the one you careBe the one to heal the bookDiminish scars from long agoHeal wounds so deeply formedFind your way through the endTo the beginning of the candleIt?s your duty to go for the goldTo find out how long it?s beenI had a person onceAsk whom these works were forSuch brilliant sonnets and stanzasAll composed to whom, what for?I told her thatI had not the reason in my mindBut perhaps I?ve discoveredWhat it is that provokes my mindQueriesQuotasMind derived amountsThat I must meet to retain a worthOr, perhaps it?s for a personWho ever it might beAt whatever time it isThat I write solely toAnyone who is thereWilling to hear me outPerhaps find some meaningIn this madness I can?t see throughOr that I can have something for laterTo identify within myselfStore these troubles awayThat when I mature can be diffusedWho knows what my future bringsBuried within the earth of timeAll I know is that I am intensely passionateI care for too many people to let it go.
I've been through a lot of the emotions you describe here.If you mean you were in love with the guy who was, sorry is still your freind, and you never told him, or never had the oportunity to tell him, yeah thats a biggie for me too, and the girl Im talking about got married and has two lovely kids, who I adore, this is a while back now when I felt that way, I see her nearly every day, and we still get on well, we also have our bad arguament days, but we do get on really well, and she is still to this day oblivoius as to how it hurt me when she met this guy, then got married, then got pregnant, and it makes me wonder how much of the people we think we know, do we actually know?Makes ya' wonder eh?Ooo, three most confusing people, Hhhmmmmm, its too late here to even start, one would prolly be me though! ;)
LolOkay, yeah, I confuse me sometimes too. But at least I can usually analyze myself without offending myself or scaring myself away ;)Actually, in the case of the gay guy, he has known for years that I liked him. It was a bit of an inside joke, I guess...and now I know why. I'm pretty obvious when it comes to guys I like - they usually figure it out, or someone else does and tells them...
I can usually analize myself without scaring myself away.I don't follow what you mean?
when I try to psycho-analyze other people, I scare them *grin*
Ahhhh, Gotcha!our a Scarey person eh?..I don't think so.You seem nice enough too me. :)Mind if I add ya' to my friends list?
no! Do! :)I'm not scary. Although...well, ok, maybe I am *grin*
Heh-heh!You *grin* a lot, I like that! :)
Heh-heh!You *grin* a lot, I like that! :)
uh huhgrinning is good :)Specially when it's an evil grin *smirk*
Post a Comment