Saturday, June 16, 2007
Revelations
So I've been having this discussion with LamaAnnaLove over on her journal, and thought I'd carry it over to here.Basically, her goal is to achieve "love without attachment". And I really think it's a noble goal. In a way, I really want that - to just be able to love, and not worry about when you'll have to let go. Not have it hurt when you say goodbye. But, as I said over there...I just...can't. It worries me. I can't be alone. I hate it. It's like...punishment, or something, to me. What I want - more than anything - is someone who loves me. Eternally, forever, more than he loves anyone else. And because my "love life" has been so pathetic lately, I keep trying to seek that in inappropriate places - from people who have other people they love more. People they _should_ love more. Like their wives. This concerns me. It's a real problem when you keep hoping for something you neither should nor can ever have from someone (a few someones even) because they have other commitments. And the once or twice I've found someone I want that from who _is_ available, we were too far apart to make it work. I guess that's the other thing that worries me - if I had the perfect boy, the perfect relationship, and I couldn't hold it together because of something so silly as distance, how am I ever going to be able to hold together any relationship?*sigh* It's all so confusing. I think - I think I need to have my head shrunk. or something. See if anyone else can make something out of the tangled thoughts in my brain...
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4 comments:
Dan Shaw7-9-01FlameI call into a presenceDeep within my soulAs I pluck from within my heartCandies from a crystal bowlAll of a different colorAll a different mixTwisted fires and romancesCaramels and pixi sticksWhat I?m waiting forI don?t think I?ll ever knowWhen I go to do this or thatAnd my heart swings to and froWhy I have a phone beside my bedWhy I sign online without intentMore sad little nuances I guessLike grape into wine they do fermentChanging phases constantlyEvolving into something all together changedReorganizing itself this way and thatConstantly being rearrangedTo tide me over until whenI don?t have to guess againThat who it is I see before meIs with who my life will meet its endI fool myself a thousand timesMaybe it?s just my better thoughtTo help all of those in needAnd not a soul shall be forgotWith these thoughts again I swoonAnd wish to take them inHide my imperfections, my scratchesAnd my soul in all its sinMasking odors from deep withinThat can never possibly be washed awayAlong with all of the times I go undecidedAnd fumble in my heart so grayBecause it doesn?t know where it?s goingIt can?t remember where it?s even beenAnd to all of those lovers from my pastIt can no longer see as being kinTo a history it createdAs time flew right on byNot stopping for any motionOr any feeling from insideFrom star crossed innocenceTo tainted little dreamerWhen it all comes to the endIt still is without its loverWhich was what it wanted from the startAnd again so blatantly forgotWhen it started mixing a soup of loveAnd got lost in the steam within the potThen when the act was doneAnd the fire had died outThe only one left to eat the soupWas itself, now all tapped outWhat it is I?m waiting forAs I cry upon the floorI will never see as being closeUntil I sense love come through my doorFrom someone else this timeInstead of within my mindAnd from a heart so easily changedThat it?s way it can?t begin to findThe love must be externalMy coal no longer bears me heatWhile I wait for her to showI will bid myself retreatTo signing online againWithout a slight intent againPhone beside my bed againI fall to sleep with a vision of her againThe only coal left that holds a flame.
oooooohI like that last stanza. Gave me shivery goose bumps...thank you.
There are so many different levels of love. Sometimes fantasy love can be more powerful than "real" everyday love. Unfortunately, I don't think love can exist without hills and valleys. There is always going to be heartbreak. However, I do believe in the eternal love that you speak of. That someone can love you more than anyone else, unconditionally, without the attachment.It's an almost spiritual love. It's a boundless love that flies free and far and it feels incredible. But it also comes with "anxiety." It's human nature to want to be with the person you love and for it to hurt (at least a little) to know they are with someone else. Despite that they love you more than the person they're with.After reading some of your stuff, I can tell that you want "him" beside you at night so you can hear his heartbeat and run your hands through his chest hair. Yet, you would not be able to do this if he's sleeping in his own house, next to his own wife or if he was 5,000 miles away.So, although it's confusing, I think we know the real answer to this. In the end, you need to live with the person you love and "true love" always comes with attachments and compromises. Having your cake and eating it too generally leads to a sticky mess and you end up with no cake at all.
I do want "him" here, and unfortunately it's something that can't happen due to distance. So I realized lately that I've been using other people to try o distract me from thinking about it - that's where the married somebodies keep coming in. I think it's a coping strategy gone wrong...and I'm trying to deal with it. I dunno. Everyone tells me the best way to move on is to find someone new - but I can't forget the "someone old", so married people are...somehow, non-threatening, I guess?Basically I just need to quit avoiding it, and cope with the loss instead of pretending it doesn't exist. I just don't know how to start...
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